Chapter 77 Lauren's Pov

• I was relieved. I was happy. But I knew that my happiness wouldn't last long. It was only a matter of time before the devil came knocking at my door. Even though I didn't want to open the door, I would still have to open it and accept my punishment wholeheartedly. I knew that immediately he walked through that door from wherever the hell he normally goes, it would be bad for me and I had no escape route. I would have to face my punishment with pride and dignity and not show any pain or any sign of weakness. I never looked forward to getting punished by my Father. It was one of the things I dreaded the most.
• With my mother, she never raised her hands on me but she always abused me verbally but I would have preferred it if she hit me, because I would have gotten used to the pain. No matter how much I tried to act all tough and nonchalant, her words always got to me. It cut me like two sharp swords, piercing deep into my skin and hitting the most vital parts of my organs, that was how I felt whenever my mother rained down abuses on me. It made me feel worthless, incompetent a lost cause, and a huge disappointment to her. I wanted to please my mother more than my Father but there was nothing I did that could ever make her love me the same way she loves Starkov. My father on the other hand used both as punishment. He would hit you physically and he would also abuse you verbally. He doesn't care if he hurts you or not.
• Whenever Jackson rejected me, instead of feeling sad, I felt extremely happy. I don't love Jackson, I love someone else but I know that my Father would never approve of that relationship. He would kill me and hang my head on a stick before I would even pursue who I love. It will never work between us. I don't know why Father is so adamant about me being Luna. This isn't just about power. I am stuck, I am in a dilemma. It's like I am chained down to the bottom of the ocean with no hope of surviving. I was drowning with water filled up in my lungs. I struggle to get up but nothing seems to be working. Sometimes it feels like I am dying. My father is overwhelming me with so many responsibilities. If only Starkov didn't act like he doesn't care about anything in this family. He can date who he wants to date, whether it is from a rich family or a poor family. He didn't care as long as he loved that person. Father doesn't dictate for him but whenever it comes to me, he makes sure that he shows his manly power to me and I am getting sick and tired of it. It feels like my head is being weighed down with so many emotions and I know that one of these days, I would snap. I am sick of him controlling my life. I can love whoever I want to without him breathing down my neck like some dog. He watches me as if I'm a toddler who needs to be checked on, like a hawk. He doesn't allow me to do anything I love, I can't go out on my own without having a thousand and one bodyguards waiting on me like some spoiled princess. I don't have any real friends because I can't even show my true character. He wants to show off the bitch in me, while I like being playful most times. Just because he had it rough when he was growing up doesn't mean he has to make my own life a living hell. I was not fifteen for crying out loud, I was twenty. I wasn't some child who needed to be told everything she had to do by her Father. He didn't even care about my feelings, he didn't even ask me what I wanted to do. He chose what I studied in school, the kind of friends I had to make and now he is choosing the person I have to marry. I don't love Jackson and I will never love Jackson. I don't even feel one ounce of affection towards him and if Father dares find out about the one that I love, that would be the end of it all. He would beat me up to the extent that I wouldn't even be able to move my own limbs and then he would hunt down the man that I love and kill him, that was how dangerous my father was. I never wanted to go against him. The only one who challenges my father is Starkov. He doesn't dare raise his hand on my brother because the last time he tried, it resulted in a huge brawl. Both of them injured each other. It was a disaster. My father learned how to keep away from my brother ever since then.