Chapter 73

• "Your mother slept while she slept," I heard Cary's voice in my head. The pressure in my chest was like a huge stone threatening to suffocate me, just like the guilt of not being able to be there. I screamed with force, letting out all the contained anger, all the pain, I screamed until my throat hurt, and as soon as I finished, I sat on the sand and started crying until, somehow, my brother and Allison found me with wet clothes, red eyes, and a lost look.
• I had been in a sort of autopilot state since then, hardly speaking and not eating much. I had to go back to New York with my brother for my mother's funeral, where several people from the hospital where my mother worked were present, as well as Cary, my brother, and me, and even Ethan, Chris, and Allie were there. But it still felt strange to have to wear black and hold a rose in my hand. I left it on the casket, taking a few steps back to let the others do the same.
• I took my brother's left hand when I saw that the moment had come, as the casket slowly descended, I just stood there watching it, feeling the presence of everyone focused on us until I saw Jason's fist in front of me. It was our non"verbal way of communicating that meant a lot, and in this case, it was as if he had spoken to me saying "it's okay." So, with a trembling fist, I brought it closer to his hand and gave a light tap, and it was as if nothing else mattered, I just let out all the tears I had been holding back since I found out about her death. Jason hugged me around the waist, holding most of my weight until the ceremony concluded. One of Chris's drivers dropped me off at my house because my brother thought it would be okay for me to be alone for a moment, so as soon as I entered my house, I slammed the front door and ran to my room, locking the door to prevent Becker from entering, and I even heard him scratching at the door."