Chapter 274

• Back at my desk, I absent-mindedly twist my pen in my fingers, giving me a massive surge of anger … at myself. Stilling the pen sharply, I lay it down with a smack and scowl at it as though it’s the cause; it’s another habit from childhood that I’m permanently trying to overcome, and just one of the subtle tells that I’m not who I pretend to be. It's the only flaw in the perfect demeanor I hold so tightly to.
• I fidget.
• And that’s so at odds with the persona I’ve created for myself since my teens and getting away from the life I once knew, a stark reminder of how far I’ve come from my childhood in Chicago and a habit that annoys me on a deep level. Not only because it betrays the confidence I strive to emit but also because it seems juvenile. My fidgeting occurs on many levels; for the most part, I’ve mastered it, but with my raw nerves this morning, I’m betraying myself.