Chapter 123

• I try not to ponder on it, push it out of my head, and focus on a task of doing instead of thinking. It’s all I can do if I don’t want to succumb to these overwhelming feelings and all the questions about Carmen. Doubting myself and what I felt in the forest, but there’s nothing else to explain what that was. It had to be him marking her or betraying our bond in another way. Nothing can compare to the level of pain, heartbreak, and betrayal I felt, and I should remind myself of that and not get lost in him as he tries to win me around. I need to stay true to the fact and ignore how much I still love him. How every sense, and fiber in my soul, aches to be reunited with him in even the most minor ways.
• I inhale heavily to self-calm and level myself out, shake my head and give myself an internal rattle to snap out of this. I haul out the oversized nightshirt that Meadow gifted me, my all-time favorite, and underwear, and quickly strip, loving the feel of soft, delicate lingerie and a basic cozy and loose T-shirt printed with delicate pastel florals over gray sweats any day. It’s the little things that can restore you in weird ways.
• I yank out my toiletries bag and find my hairbrush, facial wipes, and self-grooming products I left behind, as they were too heavy to carry, and start to put myself to rights. There’s a mirror over the mantle, and it’s only now I can see how grubby and worn I am. I look like a hobo who hasn’t seen water in weeks, and my hair is a dull brown because it’s so dirty.