Chapter 7

• He connected his favourite playlist to his headphone via bluetooth, put on the headphone. As music from Tupac streamed into his body through his ears, he put his phone in his pocket and stepped on the treadmill. He pressed the Start button on the console and started off by walking at a slow pace to warm up his muscles and joints. Perhaps, it was because he was still in the warm up stage, maybe it was because he had not sped up yet but he could not take his mind off the matter at hand.
• Could he do a good job at being a father?
• He was quite sure that he could not. That he would fail his child just like his biological mother had failed him. It would not quite be the same seeing as his mother had been a drunk but it would provide the same results– failure, a failed parent.
• He did not want that. He did not want to be like his mother. His mother had been a drunk and he had had to live with her until he was taken away from him by Social workers and was kept in an orphanage for three months before he was adopted by his billionaire parents at the age of five. His mother had been really young, fifteen or so when she birthed him. An adolescent girl who was really a just child herself. She has never told him who his birth father was except to say on a few occasions that he was nothing but a loser before he had drowned while swimming because he had been high on hard drugs.
• It had been deeply traumatic and till this day, he still felt distressed at the thought of that time. He was really young back then but he still remembered. Twenty four years had passed since he last saw his mother, still, the scars were engraved deeply in his heart.
• Back then, his mother would go away for the entire day and only return in the wee hours of the morning smelling of liquor and vomit and then, she would cry beside his bed and lament how hard it was to live with him, how it was so difficult to be a single mother and how she wished he would disappear from her sight. He would cry too because his mother was crying and because she dug her nails into his arms as she did so. He had hardly ever seen her sober. The only memories he had of her were either of her crying, or drinking or sleeping. It had been hell, a hell he did not wish on anybody, let alone his own child. He might not be a drunk but he was inexperienced. He would be a single parent, just like his Mom and his company would be his alcohol. How exactly could he possibly take on more responsibility? Being the CEO was tough as it was but then, he also had to father a child?
• A month ago or even a week ago, he would never have imagined this possible but as ridiculous as it sounded to his own ears, he was now a father. No, in fact he had been a father for a while now, an irresponsible one and he had not known it.
• He pressed the speed button on the console and increased his speed to a light jog. Would he need to hire a nanny now? Was there a meeting all parents attended? He was not well versed in baby food and care. No matter how much he thought about his situation, it did not make sense to him. Immediately the test had proved that he was indeed the father of the child, his ex-girlfriend had handed the baby to him like a hot potato and had informed him rather haughtily that he was the new caretaker. It would have been amusing if it was somebody else who had landed in such a hot mess. Only that it was him in such a mess and there was absolutely nothing amusing about the situation.
• His parents were glad. When he in shock had called them right after the paternity test, they had screamed in shock and congratulated him even. They wanted to be grandparents so badly and he had given them that opportunity. But his parents were not the ones who had to take the actual responsibility, who had to teach and nurture the child. That was his work, it was something he had to do. Perhaps, that was the reason he felt so pained. There was no way out of this, he just had to do it no matter how much he hated it.
• Damn it.
• He did not by any means hate his daughter. He was simply frightened. Taking care of a child was nothing like running a business. The company was his turf. In the office, he was confident, strong willed, determined and dependable. These were qualities that he had learned the hard way. He had gradually learned, starting from scratch, about everybody and everything pertaining to his father's company. He had built trust and reliability as a leader all due to his hard work. And now, there was hardly any problem that he could not tackle. He was a good CEO, everybody said that.
• A child was a different ball game altogether. There was no manual on how to be a good parent and it was not something he could achieve through sheer grit alone. It was a duty he must not fail at. He must not make mistakes and he must be devoted. Fatherhood was a concept he just couldn't wrap his head around.
• He sighed and increased the speed again. He was almost sprinting now. How had his parents done it? How did it feel to raise a child? How did it feel to raise three children? As at the time his family adopted him, it had just been his adoptive father and mother. Later, the family grew to include twin girls—Abigail whose name they had shortened to Abby and Gabriella whose name they had shortened to Gabby as well— too.
• How was the parenthood like for his parents? Taking care of three kids and the company and all. They had probably been prepared. It was something they had premeditated. He was not saying that his daughter had been a mistake but he could not deny the fact that she was completely unexpected, at least for him. He had even suspected that she wasn't his child. That was why he had demanded a paternity test.
• Now that it was confirmed that the baby was his, he could not shy away from the truth. The baby was with Gabby, the elder twin sister at the moment but he was the father and that would never change. Who knew that something like this, something so unrelated to the company could weigh down on him this much? It was a tough job, heading his father's company, having to make decisions day in, day out, having to come up with plans, having to lead. It was a tough job that required him to be dependable at all times. Could he really let one more person rely on him? Could he really bear the weight of this? Of his baby?
• It was ironical how he felt just right about being a dependable CEO but fearful about being a dependable father. It made no sense that he should be so scared of his baby and yet, it made a lot of sense that he was scared of failure. After all, this sort of failure could probably not be renegotiated. Once he made a mistake concerning his baby, it was all over.
• His twin sisters had told him not to worry, that he would get used to it. They promised to lend all the help they could afford. That he would be able to raise his daughter properly, but how could he not worry? After all, they were both married and we're expecting kids. They would soon be wrapped in their own families and their responsibilities. A time would come when they would not have time for him as before.
• It was up to him to learn the scope of fatherhood well if he was to not repeat what had been done to his own childhood.
• Indeed, it was crazy how one day, he was living his life the only way he knew how and the next day, his equilibrium had been disturbed. In just one day, everything had changed.
• As he let out steam in a series of curses at the present situation he was in, he took a glance at his wrist watch.
• Shit. It was already eight AM. He had to leave as soon as possible so he could go home, wash off the sweat and get ready for work. Five more minutes here he would be running late.
• He switched off his headphone and immediately was surrounded by noises. He turned around and saw that the gym had been crowded already. Even some persons was beginning to leave. He had spent over two hours here already and he didn't know. He knew it was because he had been thinking so much about his child. He took the bottle of water that was in the stand close to him and drank all in one gulp. He cleaned his face with the towel from the same stand, dropped it back and turned to leave.