Chapter 384

• Natasha
• I lie in bed as I watch Joshua and me making love. I could watch it all day. In fact I have been doing just that. We are making slow gentle love. He is on his widespread knees, one forearm is holding his bodyweight off me and the other hand is on my behind as he holds me how his body wants me. God I miss him, I miss his smell, his touch, his love. I can’t live like this, without him. I’m like a plant starved of the sun. I’m suffocating even though I have air because the air that I’m breathing is polluted with hate. Help me. Somebody, please help me. On the other screen I see Joshua walk into our bedroom and I grab the remote and point it to the television. I smile a sad smile as I watch him. He lies down on the bed and starts scrolling through his phone. He smiles softly when he gets to an image. I can’t see the image but I know it’s of me. He has been reading my diaries word for word and I have seen that smile many times over the last fortnight. He sits slowly up and frowns—what’s he doing? He stands and goes to the wardrobe and from the back of the door takes off my wedding dress in its black velvet bag and holds it up to look at it. Tears instantly overflow from my eyes. I’m supposed to be planning our wedding right now. He hangs the hanger back over the door and slowly unzips the bag as my heart breaks. This isn’t how he is supposed to be seeing this dress. He takes it out and holds it out for his gaze and then turns it and looks at the back. The lump in my throat is big and hurts so much as I try and deal with watching him do this. He then lays it up against his body and puts his cheek down to rest on it as it drapes over his shoulder. Dear god. He starts to sway as if dancing, oh no. He is dancing our wedding song alone. He thinks I’m dead. I watch a tear roll down his cheek. The full extent of the horror we are living overwhelms me and the scariest thing of all is soon I might be dead—there is every possibility that death is just around the corner for me. I will be a distant memory in the lives of the ones I love. How do I turn this around?
• Dad, please help me. Help me think of a plan to get out of here. I need to get out of here.