Chapter 162

• Henry leans over and whispers. “He’s just trying to scare you. Don’t look at him.”
• I nod and put my head down. He’s right, just look down. Stop freaking out. The court case carries on and my mind starts to wander. What’s Joshua doing now? Who’s he with? I must be in a daydream but before I realise the court case finishes. My eyes flick to the psychopath in front of me. His eyes are still locked on me, he smiles, slowly licks his lips and blows me a kiss. I drop my head again. Forget criminology, this is fucked up shit I don’t need messing with my head. Who was I kidding? I can’t deal with criminals, I would end up a head case. He is led out of the room by the handcuffs and I blow out a breath I didn’t know I was holding. Let this day be over!
• The drive home from work is long … and silent. Max doesn’t feel the need to talk and I don’t have one positive thing to say, so why bother. I hate negativity. I never imagined I would have so much of it coursing through my veins … where does it come from? And, more importantly, how do I get rid of it? My headache is back, and it’s starting to thump. In the two months since Dad’s death I have had six migraines, what a bitch those things are, I had no idea. On a few occasions Max and Bridget have called the doctor to my house and he has given me a needle to knock me out for two days. Stress-related is what he called it—I call it toxic information overload. The poison from my heart seeping into my brain cells, one by one. It’s the weekend so at least I can just relax and sleep. It’s funny, through the day when I should be doing things that are constructive all I want to do is sleep but at night when I should be sleeping all I can do is think … about him … with her. It’s poisoning me. I am riddled with guilt as my mind goes over the patients I have treated and how I have analysed them void of emotion. Bethany. Beautiful, smart Bethany, I saw her just today. She is also in love with an adulterer, she refused to give up and she stayed for love. But at what cost? She has no self-esteem, no sexual confidence and an inability to orgasm. She has children to him … so in effect she is trapped. So even though she stayed for love, she has been rewarded with hate … for herself. Today I sat and listened to her talk, and looked deep into the mirror. I felt like I was having an out- of-body experience. I could relate to everything she told me, every emotion, every fear. When she cried … I cried, the tears weren’t for her. They were for me. If I go back to my beloved Joshua, in five years I will be Bethany. Petrified that every time he walks out the front door he is going to meet up with her. Petrified that I am not pretty enough, funny enough … sexy enough.