Chapter 261

• I slump into the lounge chair as my heart pounds heavily in my chest. Now I have heard it all. Joshua Stanton is the biggest mindfuck in the history of the human world. Sleep with someone else—who is he kidding, as if?
• “Turkey, swiss cheese and cranberry on rye please, with a skim cap, no sugar,” I mutter flatly to the cashier in the hospital cafeteria as I look into the glass refrigeration cabinet. I’m flat, oh so flat. It is Tuesday lunchtime and I haven’t spoken to Joshua since he left me yesterday morning in what was the worst goodbye you could possibly imagine. Since the time he told me that he wanted me to be with someone else he wouldn’t touch me, he would only cuddle me and even pulled away from kissing me. His way of distancing himself from me … and sending me quietly insane. The sick thing is that if I am completely honest with myself … and I don’t want to be … what he said actually rings true and I feel sick to my stomach. I have regretted not sleeping with someone else and knowing the difference first hand between love and sex … and if I knew one hundred per cent that I wouldn’t hurt him and it would have no consequence on our relationship, I would do it in a heartbeat. I eat my lunch in silence as I look out the window, deep in thought about the conversation we had, a cloud of dread hanging heavily over my head. He said that he could never have settled down if he hadn’t slept around and that he couldn’t ask me to do what he wouldn’t be able to do himself. How many women has he slept with over the years? In ten years’ time will I look back and regret not doing this when I already know I regret it now. Why do I feel like this? I’m so confused. But on the flip side I am so proud of myself that I have only been with someone I love … but then that was never my intention. I never set out to do that, it just happened that way. I put my fingers to my temples as I think. I wish I could talk to the girls about this but I promised Joshua it is just between us and I know he is not telling the boys about it either. He is protecting my privacy, my decision. I don’t think I have ever loved him more than I do now, to know that he would sacrifice what he wants to give me a choice is overwhelming. My eyes tear up at the thought. True unconditional love is what he is offering … and deep down that is all I have ever wanted … truly craved.
• So why when I am so in love with Joshua does my mind keep going back to Jesten?