Chapter 159

• I dream of him nearly every night. Horrible nightmares, ones where we are in the tunnel and he is being beaten to death and I am raped, or the other dream, the one where I am forced to watch him make tender passionate love to Amelie. It’s so real that I can see the sheen of perspiration on his body, hear his cries as his orgasms rip through him. Feel him quiver with need, kiss her lips as they both gasp for air. I don’t know which dream I dread the most, they are both horrific. But it’s the vision of Joshua and Amelie making love that haunts me throughout my working day. Are they making love right now?
• I sit in my office staring out the window, lost in my own regret. It’s 7 am. I have been working ridiculous hours to escape the small talk of the girls in my apartment. Max is in the park, Ben has asked him to stay with me until the media circus dies down. Except now there are three other guards as well, and I don’t have a minute of privacy. I should just issue a statement saying we are not or never have been married, but I just can’t do it. It’s the final nail in my coffin that I don’t have the strength to hammer in. How did it get to this? I have been back at work for a week and my mind is far from being on the job. I still haven’t got a new phone—I’m too scared. Scared he will call, scared that he won’t. I can’t have him in my life, I know that. But the thought that he could move on with her tears my heart wide open.
• I am dreading the weekend like the plague. I can’t even pretend not to be sad and I feel bad for the girls who are constantly trying to cheer me up and pull me out of this funk.