Chapter 44

• ALPHA ZACHARY
• Serge's taunting voice followed me all through to my room in the Alpha's chambers. I zoned out on his words and hardly heard a thing he was saying clearly. All I knew was that there were voices in my head that were not just the ones I fight a battle with every other day. I just made things harder for myself and I didn't need anyone to remind me of the choices I made but Serge would rather die than stop talking. "For God's sake Serge, that's enough. Enough of the lectures, I know what I did wrong," I fumed, kicking off my shoes from my feet and flinging them somewhere across the room. "I won't stop talking until you go to apologize to our mate or tell me why you're taking that maid with you." Have I mentioned how much I hate the mind-link in times like this? Times when Serge isn't playing a therapist but an arrogant and adamant piece of shit who won't stop insisting on the same thing over and over again. I knew what I did wrong but I of course wasn't going to admit that to anyone easily. I did wrong by making Ilvira feel unworthy of my love and touch. But I tried. Heck, I did. I tried to hold her the way she held me last night after the ritual, I tried to kiss her with the same fervor and urgency with which she kissed me, I tried to touch her in the places she wanted to be touched but I didn't see Ilvira in my head. I saw Haera and then I knew I couldn't go with it. "Are you okay? Is there something wrong?" Ilvira had asked yesterday when I suddenly rolled off her and started putting on my clothes. In all honesty, Ilvira was beautiful and her body could easily pass as that of a goddess with the right dips and curves everywhere. More so that she was spiraled on my bed the night before, naked and breathing hard with want while her creamy skin glowed under the dim candlelight of the room. Yet I couldn't bring myself to touch her. At that moment , I didn't feel worthy of her since I had someone else taking over my mind. Ilvira doesn't deserve that from me. I couldn't answer her questions. I mean, how was I supposed to tell her that my body lusted after another? And not hers, my true mate? And so last night, I had leaned in to plant a kiss on her forehead and told the biggest truth mixed subtly with a blatant lie. "You're a princess, you deserve to be treated like one. I don't want to touch you just because of some mate bond ritual Ilvira, I want to savor you like a sweet meal. I want to know every inch of soul before your body." I had looked deep into her brown eyes till they turned Amber in my head. God, I was crazy. "I want to properly make you my Luna. Be my Luna in the traditional way first and then I will explore every inch of you." "Oh...Zachary. Your words..." She had whispered softly, grabbing my face in her hands and kissing me lightly on the lips. I think that did the trick because she believed I really wanted to take my time to worship her. In truth, she deserved better than that and I was willing to calm the raging storm inside of me but it seemed like it was going out of control now. Ilvira is mad at me and now believes I didn't touch her last night because of another woman. It hurt that she was right and it hurt more that I couldn't tell her that. "Are you done with the flashbacks? So you can get your butt out of here and go to our mate," Serge sneered. I opened my mouth to tell him off when the a knock resounded on my door. The curt sound of it made me recognize it as Alan's way of asking if he could come on. A few seconds passed before the opened the door and walked in with a small bow. "Alpha." I gestured for him to speak. "The entourage is ready for the journey back to the Pack. Are you ready to leave tonight?" I shook my head. I couldn't even if I wanted to. "No...we leave tomorrow," I answered. Alan nodded but remained standing, shifting on a foot. I knew he had something else to say and looking at it now, the entourage seemed like an excuse for him to come into my room. "What is it Alan?" I asked hating the tense air around us. "Are you...are you really bringing her with you?" I should have known. "Yes." I said with a tone of finality and he knew it so well that he didn't ask any more questions and just gave another bow before turning to leave the room. I knew I couldn't just sit there and do nothing after my mate stormed off angrily and so after Alan left, I went looking for Ilvira in her room, I didn't know what I would do if I got there but I just knew I had to be there. She really doesn't deserve to bear the brunt of my infidelity. Her room was at the far end of the Alpha chamber's hallway and I've never been in there before. I stopped in front of her door and took in a sharp breath before knocking on her door. There was no response for a second or two until I knocked again and the door opened to reveal a familiar woman in maid's uniform. I recognized her as Gennora, the head maid of the moonstone palace. Her uptight look softened when she saw me and she bowed. "The princess?" I asked "I'll...I'll get her." Gennora turned to go back into the room while I stood outside, waiting. "I don't want to see him!" I heard Ilvira yell from inside of the room before the head maid came scampering back to me. "Move." I shoved past the head maid without waiting for her to relay the message from my mate. She won't send me away while I'm throwing away my pride to apologize to her. I stepped into the room that glowed like everything was made out of gold and my eyes stopped on the figure that was wrapped under a duvet. "Ilvira," I called. She jerked up and shifted the duvet away from her face. Her face tore into a frown as her eyes glared daggers at both me and the head maid. "I thought I said I didn't want to see him," she pointed at the maid "why did you let him in?" She wasn't acknowledging me. "I'm right here Ilvira, stop acting like I'm invincible or something," I grunted a reply "Oh are you not?" She snorted brattily. I clenched my fist, definitely not used to this or any other attitude from women. I hardly knew them. "Listen Ilvira, you won't talk to me that way. I came here to talk to you and that's what we will do." "I don't want to talk." She mumbled, standing up and making to walk past me but I grabbed her by the arm before she could. A surprised gasp left her lips and her eyes bore into mine. I stared back,hard. "Then you will listen to me." It came out as more of a threat and a command than what's meant to be a plea. I couldn't help it. "Way to go Zach...she'll definitely forgive you now." I ignored Serge's sarcasm. A beat or two passed before Ilvira jerked herself out of my hold. "Fine...I'll listen," she said, bringing her arms to fold them on her chest. "Start talking." I turned to the elderly maid at the corner and she took the hint, opening the door and slipping out through it. I turned back to look at Ilvira. She was waiting expectantly for me to say something. For some reason, words seemed to vanish now that I had her attention. One thing I knew was that I was going to lie to her...again. "Whatever gave you the impression that I didn't touch you yesterday because of a lowly chef should be taken out of your mind Ilvira. Tell me, do you think that little of me?" Her face falls as her eyes shifted in their sockets. Her mouth opened and closed a few times while I waited for her to say something. "It's not...it's not like that..." she struggled to say. She was only a feet away from me and I used her vulnerability to close the distance between us in that moment. I think the close proximity had her at a loss for words again as she stared at me with desire in her eyes. I wish I could be that vulnerable with her. I wish my eyes could burn the way hers did. "Then why did you say that to me?" I asked softly. She looked away and looked everywhere except at me. I brought my fingers up to her jaw to bring her face back to me. "It was just...You didn't make love to me like you were supposed to last night and then today you suddenly said you want-" "Want her to be my chef, Sweetheart. The chef is a good cook Ilvira, there's nothing more to that." "Really?" She whispered breathily because my hand already shifted to to her neck and grazed the very place I marked her last night. It was a reminder, not only for her but for me. That she bears my mark and no one owns her except me and no one owns me except her. I leaned in closer and buried my head in her neck, slightly kissing my mark that was etched deeply on her neck. Her breathing spiked up and her arousal hit my nose. I slowly kissed my way up to her ear before whispering into it. "I'll take you the way I want and the ways you've dreamed of when you are crowned my Luna. I promise," I said to her, raising my head from her nape to look into her eyes that danced with unspoken lust. I smiled down at her before grabbing her by the waist and kissing her deeply on her lips. If I have to keep doing this to buy enough time for myself to get over Haera, then so be it. HAERA. Just what is it with people and controlling my life? And what is it with Alpha Zachary? Was he toying with me? As if blatantly rejecting me, calling me a lowly maid and sending me out of his room wasn't enough, he still had to do something to complicate my life. He didn't want me neither did he believe me. But all of sudden he loves my cooking and wants me to go with him to his pack to become the chef. "Pack your things Haera. I hate to let you go but a promise is a promise. I'm sure you will do just fine. I'm more rest assured that you'll be the one taking care of my daughter's meals. Tomorrow, you go with them to the Imperial pack." Alpha jarvold had said after the princess and Alpha Zachary left the dining hall and those words, they sealed my fate. There was nothing I could do about it again. I was really being whisked away to another pack. I was back in my room after everyone retired for to their rooms and just sat on my bed , staring into nothingness and usual and expecting all of these to be a stupid dream I was going to wake up from anytime from then. Reality has never been more sure than that moment. How was I supposed to just leave? Everything I have and have known is here even if I've lost the only person that mattered so much to me and even if my terrible memories overshadowed the good ones. It was still my pack. I was raised here and I have grown accustomed to the life here. I know I have dreamt so much about being away from this pack and being at the imperial pack but that was when I thought I would be the Luna after finding my mate not a maid that will end up the same way I started off in this pack. I had nothing there. I didn't want to go but what I want doesn't matter to anyone. Not even that selfish bastard who looked down on me two nights ago. I wanted to hate him so bad. For bringing this upon me but instead I hated myself for being born this way. I didn't know when the tears began but the pillow underneath my head was wet with it when I turned over. Dezra purred quietly inside of me. Doing her best to console me and I appreciated the fact that she kept her words to herself today. I really didn't need them. My eyes danced around the room, the only thing that makes me feel close to Balfour even after his death. I won't feel it anymore now and it only made me cry harder. I'll be gone from here tomorrow. From the bad memories and from the good ones.