Chapter 8 The Ramblings

• I want to let go, let this complete stranger do whatever he wants with me.
• But he leans back and gives his head a little shake.
• "Let's take you home. Which cabin are you in?"
• "Seven." I pause, looking up again, my eyes roaming that beautiful face, "Seriously, do you know how beautiful you are?"
• "Alright, let's get you home quickly."
• He hooks an arm around the back of my knees, one around my shoulders and lifts me up in a cradle position, earning my surprised gasp.
• "I can walk!" However, being in the arms of this man, with my arm wrapped around his big, strong neck and my body pressed against his chest, is so new and exciting.
• "Slow, stumbling, and blind, yes. But I need to get rid of you now."
• "Get rid of me? Am I that horrible? " His focus is locked on the path ahead.
• "You're drunk and I know exactly where this is headed. It can't happen, that's all. Don't take it personally."
• "And where exactly is this headed?"
• Was he about to kiss me for real? No, that's not possible. A guy like him doesn't try to kiss a girl like me, lumberjack or not. His dark, low laugh fills the night air.
• "I can't decide if you're playing shy right now, or if you really have no idea."
• When I don't respond, his gaze flits to meet mine for a second.
• "To places a girl like you shouldn't go tonight."
• I scoff.
• "Great. Are you also protecting my virtue now? Did my mom call you? " I look at him as he walks, ignoring me. How old are you?
• "Thirty-one."
• Ten years older than me. Thirty-one and a face like that; I bet he's been with many women. I bet he's experienced. I bet he could teach me all sorts of things with those fingers that are currently gripping my body tightly. Things that Abraham couldn't, or wouldn't. Thinking of Abraham turns my stomach. I quickly push those thoughts away.
• "Do you have a girlfriend? "
• He seems to hesitate.
• "No."
• "Me neither. A boyfriend, I mean. I had a boyfriend. Well, a fiancé, actually. His name is Abraham. We were supposed to get married next summer, but he cheated on me with Jezebel."
• The gravel crunches under the lumberjack's feet as I keep walking.
• "That's what my mom calls those kinds of women: jezebels. I saw her. She's beautiful and sexy, so I guess I know why he would leave me for her. Anyway, I'm supposed to wait for him to come crawling back. He asked me to wait, said he would come back. Our families are so sure he'll come back to me."
• "And you'll take him back, right? " His tone mocks me, as if he's not surprised and finds the idea repulsive.
• "No. I mean, I don't think so." I sigh. Who am I kidding? That's why I held onto that ring instead of throwing it into the deep waters, "I can't help but hope he realizes the mistake he's made and comes back begging for forgiveness."
• "And you'll give it to him. Again, not a question."
• "No! "A moment later, I admit with a grunt: "Maybe. Not because I forgive him; not because he didn't hurt me so much."
• Abraham's all I've known. He's been a part of my life for so long. We had everything planned out. Now, I'm lost."
• The Lumberjack doesn't want to hear this; I can tell by the steely look on his face. But I haven't talked about this with an impartial person before. My friends tell me I should despise Abraham, and everyone at home tells me to wait for the right moment. Somehow unloading all of this onto a complete stranger feels therapeutic.
• "I don't want to be pathetic. I don't want to be there for him if he comes back. I want to be above him, move on."
• Sadness fills my chest, "but it's hard to forget someone you've loved since you were five."
• The Lumberjack turns to meet my gaze, his mouth just inches away in this position, so close that his breath skims over my skin.
• That's the only response I get before he focuses back on the road. Now that I've opened up to him, it seems like I can't stop.
• "That's why I came to Alaska. I wanted to get away from my life for a while, at least until I have to go back to college. I don't know what I'm going to do next. Abraham and I were supposed to go back home, get married, take over the farm. And have a lot of sex. Sex, sex, and more sex. It's all about sex with you guys, isn't it? "
• He takes a deep breath and holds my body tighter in his arms while I keep talking, "So now he's busy parading Jezabel around my hometown, probably having all kinds of sex in our private places. He's screwing around with another girl and yet he asked me to wait for him, to save myself for our wedding night. Can you believe it?
• "I should go and do it with someone, so that if he comes back, I can shout, 'Too late! No virgin wife for you!' I don't want to be a virgin anymore. I need to find someone to have sex with me here."
• Lumberjack's steps stagger and I grip his neck tightly, afraid we'll fall into a heap.
• "You're a... How old are you?" he finally asks
• "Twenty-one. I hate that a part of me still loves him. We have so much history. But then a part of me... "I tilt my head back to look at the vast expanse of stars above. I know they're up there somewhere, but I can't see them anymore."
• He nudges my head with his shoulder, "don't pass out."
• I lift my head and rest it against his body, sinking until my cold nose is pressed against his neck. I inhale deeply.
• "You smell good. Expensive. Is that cologne, aftershave, soap or...?"
• "Christ." he hisses, "Do you normally talk this much?"
• "No? Doesn't seem like it. Must be the alcohol. I've never been drunk before. It's fun."
• Now he laughs, a deep sound that I feel in the depths of my chest, and lower, in the pit of my stomach.
• "You might not think that tomorrow morning."
• "Where was I? Oh, right... Abraham. I really don't understand."
• A sudden and unexpected wave of emotion hits me, and before I know what's happening, hot tears run down my cheeks.
• "Is it because I'm not pretty enough for him? He always said he liked me like this, not like those other girls who paint their faces. But then he turns around and starts dating one of them!"
• I watch Lumberjack's face, his eyes fixed ahead.
• "Do you think I'm pretty?"
• His jaw tightens.