Chapter 6 Changes

• My alarm clock goes off at nine o'clock sharp. Despite going to bed late, I didn't want to oversleep and have Audrey arrive while I was still sleeping. I get up without thinking too much, because if I did, I would just go back to bed again. I go straight to the kitchen and make myself a good pot of coffee.
• While it brews, which usually takes a while, I go to the bathroom to freshen up and change my clothes. I look at myself in the mirror and see my pale, tired face. There's not much I can do about it, and I'm not going to put on makeup while I'm at home, so I sigh and brush my teeth.
• I return to the kitchen and can finally enjoy my coffee. I drink it as usual, a little sweet and with a splash of milk, as they say in my country, "cortadito." I sit down, with the small cup in my hands and my knees bent, on the old sofa and turn on the television. I'm not interested in anything that's on, but the silence overwhelms me and makes me think about things I shouldn't. I've realized that since yesterday I've been nostalgic with memories, they've been too recurrent. I take sips of my coffee and gaze off into space, not really seeing anything. I go back to yesterday's conversation with Richard, to his constant insistence that I work extra hours for him. I'm not stupid, I know that many of the girls at the club do much more than just give private dances, I also understand that they end up making double or triple what the stage gives them.
• But I can't do it, just the thought of giving my body to a stranger makes me nauseous. I've only had one man in my life and I intend for it to stay that way, at least until I can get out of this world where everyone wants something from you, only to discard you without a second thought once they get it.
• I finish my coffee and stay where I am. There's nothing to do around the house and I want to take advantage of the free time to at least rest my body a bit. It's not just that my job is physically demanding, rehearsals, choreography setups, and constant gym training all add up to things that tire me out.
• I look at my watch and realize I've been sitting here for almost an hour, doing nothing. I remember the envelope that Richard gave me yesterday with my night's pay and decide to count it, while waiting for Marge to arrive with Audrey. I set aside the usual amount to cover the rent and leave the rest in my purse in case I need to pay for something. As I finish putting away my wallet, there's a knock on the door and I quickly get up from the sofa. I open the door and instantly, my little one runs to hug my legs, shouting a loud "Mom."
• "My little one," I bend down to hug her and give her lots of kisses.
• "Mom, I missed you so much, but Mar took me out for ice cream," she murmurs excitedly, with a beautiful smile on her lips.
• I pick her up in my arms and we enter the house, with Marge following behind us. We stay in silence, listening to everything Audrey says about her outing, what she did, the flavor of her ice cream, and everything she considers important, which is basically everything. I smile tenderly and can't help but think that everything I do in life is worth it if I can see the smile on my daughter's lips that now doesn't fade.
• When Audrey gets tired of chattering, she starts watching cartoons and Marge and I go to the kitchen to talk a bit.
• "Did you get some rest?" she asks, sitting at the table and looking at me closely, "I don't feel like you did."
• I sigh, because I can't hide anything from the only friend I have and can always count on.
• "Yes, I slept, but I woke up early. I didn't want Audrey to arrive and find me still asleep," I confess, taking a seat next to her, glancing at my daughter sitting on the sofa and enjoying the television.
• "Amaia, I know it's hard, that you want to make up for that time you still can't fully give to your daughter, but you need to rest, it won't do any good if you get sick."
• "I know," I lower my head and close my eyes, "but I'm so afraid that this time I can't offer her will eventually affect her, that I want to make the most of every second we have together."
• Marge sighs and takes my hands, across the table.
• "Darling, your daughter will be proud of the mother she has," she says. Upon hearing those words, I sigh and my eyes well up. I don't believe that, but Marge insists, "You are an excellent mother and nothing in the world can overshadow that."
• I hold back the urge to cry, because even though I try to distance myself from the world I hate, the universe doesn't cooperate with me. Every day, I spend at least an hour looking for work, I search in newspapers, submit applications, but so far nothing has yielded results.
• So, even though I try to find a different life, something good to offer my daughter, I can't find another way. However, I try to maintain my current job as cleanly as possible. If I did something else to survive, I think the guilt would kill me.
• Marge hands me the bag with the little girl's things and says goodbye to go home. I thank her again and she shakes her head, patient, before leaving the apartment. Audrey and I are left alone and time flies by. We have lunch together with her favorite dish, watch animated movies, and play silly but fun games.
• When the afternoon comes, I feel sad again for having to leave her, in a few hours, I will have to return to the club, even though it's Sunday, in fact, today is the day when most clients come to see us dance. I console myself a little because Mondays are my days off and I can spend them entirely with my daughter.
• However, my happiness is not complete. It's not even six in the evening when the doorbell rings and I see Jessie, ready to go to the club.
• "Why are you here so early?" I ask, frowning.
• "Richard wants us all there early," Jessie clicks her tongue and enters the apartment as I step aside.
• "You know I start at eleven today, my number is last, and I have no reason to go earlier," I mutter, with a sour face.
• "I'm just the messenger, Amaia," she replies, shrugging and going to Audrey to greet her with a smile.
• I stay pensive, wanting to say something to her, but it's true, she's just the messenger and shouldn't be blamed. My daughter and she hug each other with smiles, and Jessie sits on the floor to join Audrey in what we were doing.
• "Dress quickly, we have to be there by seven," she says, looking over her shoulder at me from her seated position.
• I clench my fists and have to take a deep breath to not explode in front of Audrey. Today is one of the few days I can spend a little more time because I usually start late. Mrs. Pibbot doesn't expect me to bring Audrey so early. In moments like this, I feel more desperate, caught between a rock and a hard place, thinking about the consequences of my decisions. If I don't go, I could get into trouble at work, and as much as I dislike it, it's the only job I have. On the other hand, with time passing, I will be aware of all the moments lost.
• I look at my watch and decide to go to Marge's earlier to make sure she can stay with Audrey from now on. I tell Jessie to wait for me a second and rush down the stairs. I knock on the door without insisting, although I really want to knock many times to see if I can release all the frustration. When Marge opens, she is surprised to see me there, on the verge of collapse.
• "What's wrong?" she asks, concerned.
• I take a deep breath before having to bother her again.
• "I have to go to the club earlier today," I say, with little enthusiasm and no courage to look her in the eyes. "In fact, I'm already late, so I was wondering if you could..."
• "Amaia..." She puts her fingers on my chin and lifts my head. "You know you can count on me, no matter what time. Bring that little one over here."
• The smile on her face is something I will never stop being grateful for, because it's the only way I can stay focused during the night when the worry is terrifying.
• "Thank you, Marge, I can't repay you for everything you do for me."
• "Yes, you can. Just keep fighting, that's all I need."
• I give her a hug because I can't do anything less than that. Without her in my life, nothing would work, and it would be a real madness, I wouldn't have any rest.
• I climb the stairs again and find Audrey and Jessie in the same position as before. My friend looks at me to make sure everything is okay, and I nod before heading to the room to change clothes. I pack Audrey's backpack with the things she will need and soon I am taking it to Marge.
• My daughter doesn't protest, doesn't say anything. She says goodbye to me with a big kiss and a bear hug, she asks me to be careful and take care of myself. Hearing her words makes me want to cry with so much love, and it's hard for me to leave her there and continue on my way. Even though I know she is well taken care of, I long for the day when this will end.
• "Let's go," I say to Jessie, who is waiting for me on the side of the stairs.
• "Audrey is too good," she affirms as we walk together to my car, "and smart."
• I nod, because it's the absolute truth. If she were a difficult child, I wouldn't feel so calm every time I leave her with Marge. We continue in silence until we reach my old car, get in, and as we drive out onto the avenue, Jessie speaks again.
• "You're a good mother," she assures me with a sincere smile.
• "Thank you," I reply, returning the smile.
• As we make our way through the city streets, I focus on the journey and Jessie sings a song. She moves her feet to the rhythm of the melody that only she understands, and I must confess that her good mood is contagious.
• "Do you know what Richard wants?" I ask as we near the club.
• "No, he didn't say anything. Just that we all should be there because there will be changes."
• I furrow my brow, not trusting these changes at all, let alone the intentions behind them. But I can't get angry so soon, it's enough that he ruined my afternoon with my daughter, I can't feed my bad mood ahead of time.
• When we arrive at the parking lot of the VIP Night Club, I change my anxious expression to one of strength, the role I usually play here. Complete security. Zero worries. I can't give anyone the satisfaction of feeling superior. And I know that it's not just Richard who has his eye on me, among the girls, only Jessie is trustworthy.
• We get out of the car and walk together to the back of the club. We see that most are already present and that only the boss is missing for the surprises to begin. We sit at the tables in the main hall of the club and watch with curiosity as some of the farthest stages are closed off with black curtains. At least three spaces were separated from the rest, with temporary walls dividing the hall into several independent areas.
• "I don't think it's what I'm thinking," Jessie murmurs, and I think I understand where she's coming from too.
• However, just as I'm about to tell Jessie what I think, Richard arrives. With his usual confidence, he enters the hall and looks arrogantly at all the girls. He looks at each one, searching for something, until his eyes meet mine. And he smiles. A shiver runs down my spine and instantly I tense up. I didn't like that look at all, and I don't trust his wicked smile. Something is coming, and I have no doubt it's not something good.
• "Well, my beautiful girls, I bring you news about the latest changes," he exclaims, as if he has the world at his feet and we belong to him.
• Around me, there is silence. Expectation for what he will say. Richard walks up to stand in front of everyone and takes his time to start.
• "Starting today, we will begin offering a new service. We will conduct a trial, and depending on the results, the club will be renovated to expand the conditions and focus much more on the new modality," he says, beating around the bush. He keeps us in suspense the whole time, and that's what he enjoys the most. "We will have a rotation, where everyone can demonstrate if they deserve the privileged place they hold here."
• He looks at me as he says those words, and I also feel the gaze of some of my colleagues. I raise an eyebrow, as if I'm not intimidated, although inside I am full of anxiety.
• "What will we do, mister?" asks one of the girls, unable to contain her curiosity. She also calls him by that name that he enjoys hearing so much.
• "My beautiful Amber, so curious as always "he mutters, looking at her with shiny eyes. From my position I can see the girl's reaction and it's not at all repugnant, as it would be for me. She almost purrs at her mister's words. "For being so enthusiastic, today you will be the first in this test."
• Many gasp in surprise and the so-called Amber applauds excitedly.
• "What does she have to do, mister?" asks another, who apparently wants to earn her place as well.
• "A private dance. That's what they will do from now on."
• His words hit me like a bucket of cold water and I can see the enjoyment in his eyes as he watches my reaction.
• "I told you," he vocalizes, focused only on me.
• And yes, he did tell me that he would find a way to bring me to his side. Now I must try to avoid it by all possible means.