Chapter 5 I'm Still Standing

• I climb the stairs with little enthusiasm, too tired. When I enter the house everything is dark, I don't usually leave any lights on. I grope along the wall in search of the switch and once I press it, the light in the small living room comes on. With my bag hanging from my hand and from the door, I observe what is now my home, what has been my house since four years ago when I was able to find a place to sleep without depending on anyone else.
• The space is quite small, but I have managed to make it not feel so cramped, having only the bare essentials. An old but in good condition sofa occupies what would be the living room, in front of a high table with a TV on top. Behind, what serves as both a dining room and kitchen. A table with only two chairs and at least a meter of granite countertops. To the left, a large bedroom and at the end of it all, the bathroom.
• In reality, I don't need more, it's enough for Audrey and me, because despite being small, we can sleep peacefully under a roof that we know is ours.
• I enter the house and leave the bag on the sofa. I go straight to the bathroom to get rid of the smell of smoke and sweat from my work at the club. My hair feels like a rope and my skin is sticky from so much shiny oil. I get into the shower and when the cold water falls on me, I don't even flinch, I'm used to it. I wash my hair carefully and rub my body with soapy hands to get rid of the remnants of everything I hate.
• Unintentionally, I go back to the beginning, to those days when I was happy. Although I usually think that happiness had an expiration date and I had no idea. I didn't imagine what was coming and much less, had time to prepare.
• I arrived home from the office with a defeated expression on my face. Today had been my last day at the company, as I suspected. Although I tried to hide my pregnancy at least for a while, I couldn't bear the nausea and ended up vomiting in front of everyone. I already knew what awaited me when I left the bathroom and found my boss, with a raised eyebrow and an unreadable expression. Just ten minutes later, I was handed my severance pay and left the building with a box that only contained some unimportant things.
• I didn't feel like eating anything, but I had to. In the consultation with the gynecologist, they had warned me to maintain my proper nutrition, because it could affect the baby's growth if I didn't. With tears of anguish, I prepared something to eat, while thinking about how to tell Ernesto that I no longer had a job. I knew that was something we were expecting, but we hoped that I could work until the pregnancy was further along. With the little money they had paid me, it was enough for the main expenses of this month, but we could already start thinking about what we would do next month. If Ernesto didn't find a job, we were going to be screwed.
• At some point I knew I needed to rest, the events of the day were affecting me and I didn't feel very well. The constant worry of what will happen to us was doing me a lot of harm. The stress was becoming unbearable and that, combined with my mood swings due to hormones, I thought I would go crazy. I had fallen asleep when I heard the door close and Ernesto's excited shouts, calling me.
• "I'm here, in the room," I shouted in response as I sat up on the bed. "What's going on?"
• When I could see Ernesto's face, I knew something good had happened. My smile was inevitable when I saw him so happy. All the bad times we had gone through the day we found out the news had been forgotten and we were already talking about the pregnancy with excitement.
• "Love, I got a job," Ernesto shouted, coming to my side and taking me in his arms, spinning around with me non-stop.
• My joyful laughter could be heard a kilometer away. That was really good news. At last, we could breathe easy for a while. I thanked God a thousand times for hearing my prayers, because as they say... God tests us, but does not drown us. With so much emotion, I was afraid of Ernesto's reaction when he found out about my job, but he understood. Just as I had understood, it was something that we saw coming, even if we wished otherwise. However, my husband's new job could cover the expenses and then some, it was that good.
• That night, we made love tirelessly, reclaiming those sensations that had been overshadowed by constant worry. That night, I felt once again, by my side, the boy I had loved all my life, the one with whom I had embarked on the most important journey and intended to continue together for the rest of it. Waking up in his arms made me feel like I was in paradise, I didn't realize how much I missed it until I could experience it again. I felt proud that morning as I prepared his breakfast and we kissed like teenagers in the corners, holding back the urge to give ourselves to each other again and feel, to stop missing each other and focus on what was to come in time.
• Our life, after that, went on normally. We attended appointments together and eagerly awaited each ultrasound. When we found out it would be a girl, we laughed happily, because Ernesto always said he wanted a "mini me" when he became a father. As my belly grew, the happiness and expectations for the arrival of our little Audrey increased. I had a wonderful and healthy pregnancy. Ernesto was climbing the ranks in his job and improving his salary more and more, which allowed us to indulge ourselves, cover medical expenses, buy everything necessary for the birth of our baby, and even move to a rented apartment. Up to that point we had been living in our friends' house, who had been wonderful to us and had not put any obstacles in our way all this time, but it would be very difficult for us to live with a baby in the small room.
• But not everything is forever and life constantly puts tests in our path. I should say, that mine were somewhat unfair, but they brought me to where I am today. And despite everything I have had to live through and endure, I am still standing and stronger than ever.
• The water falls on my face and I enjoy the peace that envelops me within these four walls. Although I could be crying tears of nostalgia, I force myself to hold back the urge to do so. Locked up and alone, here, I could cry and that pain would go away with the water escaping through the pipes, but I must not give strength, much less importance, to someone who forgot everything overnight, who gave up too quickly. Someone who did not look back.
• I leave the bathroom, with a towel covering my wet hair and another wrapped around my body. Between the tiredness of the day and the state of relaxation from the bath, I walk to the room dragging my feet. I let myself fall on the bed and stay there.