Chapter 63

• "It costs me too much to have to get rid of the part of me that is still waiting for an explanation, a reason, one of your kisses, one of your hugs, one of your jokes, your caresses, your touches, your flirtatious glances, your provocations. I feel stupid for having sunk so deep into the bottom of this well called love, in only four months. I have so much to tell you, but not enough paper for it, so I'll try to be brief, as well as what I thought was love. My stupidest -or perhaps most human- part doesn't know how to hold a grudge, although it should. You are not able to imagine the pain I felt, when I realized that I was never special, when I realized that the shelter that your precious eyes offered me, was a false one, that in reality, I never stopped being alone, but this time, I had by my side someone who was jealous of me, who annulled me, who humiliated me with small gestures, and who from time to time, said he loved me, but I couldn't open my eyes.... and I think it will take me a long time to do it, because my skin still misses yours, so much that... I wanted to run to the hospital when I knew you were hurt, but I didn't let myself do it. You have no idea how much I cried. We didn't even say goodbye with words, since then I feel like I've died a hundred times, every time I think of you, every time I long for you. All those turbulent thoughts made me realize something: I will never be able to forget you if I have you so close, Leonardo. So, I have decided to let time and distance, do what they are supposed to do, heal me. Every time I look back, I can't help but think about how it all started, because of my irresponsibility in being late, you looked at me, our bodies collided, you saved my skin, but you couldn't do the same with my heart, that one you held in your hands, and knowing it was a fragile glass, you let it fall, delighting in the sound of its breakage. I think you even stepped on it with your elegant shoes, so you could make sure it couldn't be retrieved. I remember our first embrace, our first date, our first kiss, I want to scream from the pain, so loud that the moon will tire of my crying, and offer me an answer as to why your actions, there is something that has not allowed me to fall asleep... and that is that we could have had it all... but you broke it, you don't know how much I hate you, my love. It's been ten days since I discovered you with another, and my mind can only wonder why I'm never enough, why my love wasn't enough for you... why I gave you everything I never gave anyone else, and you stripped me of that, even more. I can't lie, I won't do it, I won't pretend that it doesn't hurt, that you don't hurt me, that I haven't thought about coming back to you, to us, because stupid my heart, but you have been the man I could love the most, and you were the one who hurt me the most, it's insane the irony of love... when I met you, you were for me, someone unreachable... and even when we were boyfriend and girlfriend, you were still sometimes unreachable. "The great Leonardo White with me?" I wondered, deluded, stupid, believing it had been a stroke of luck that you had chosen me. But I ended up as another doll for your collection, perhaps the one you played with the longest. Right now, as I write this letter, my body is asking me to run to you and forgive you, to hug you, to kiss you until your wounds no longer hurt and neither do mine, but that would be betraying myself, so I force myself to finish writing this and leave this city forever. I don't think our paths will ever meet again, I don't think you will ever hear my voice again, and that's much better, because I was always an object for you, one that you found more entertaining. I don't know what to wish you, Leonardo... Leo... or... sir, what should I call you? Perhaps sir, as in the beginning, before this happened, we were not even love, though I longed to be.
• As I wrote above, I don't know what to wish for you... but I wish that you have peace, that someday you understand that you hurt me and that I don't think I will ever open my heart to anyone else in my whole life. I don't expect you to apologize, I don't expect you to change, I don't expect anything from you... I just want to be able to heal, because I know it's stupid, but it hurts me, it hurts me deeply not to be enough for you, maybe for any man. I feel like our thing was like a flame, that you chose to blow out when you didn't think it was enough to have just me anymore. I thought we could have it all, but I only ended up rolling in the depths of my own pain. It's so stupid that I have so much to tell you, I think my problem is loving too soon, but I don't know how to love without intensity, that's why my heart is full of wounds, but I will never allow myself to be hurt again. Don't look for me, because you won't find me, don't call me, because there will be no one to answer you, don't write me, because my fingers faded from so much wiping away the tears you provoked in me. I hope that someday you will actually get genuine love, and that on that day, you will remember the hearts you broke. Right now, I am in the process of leaving, leaving forever. I hope I can forget you, I hope you become a ghost in my life, and though I doubt I will, I hope I can love someone again the way I loved you.
• -EMMA".