Chapter 331

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• People say horrible things about badge bunnies. Well... not guys, really, not as a general rule. And certainly not cops... or at least not male cops. It's women who do it. And not even the worst, most woman-hating guys are ever as mean, as downright and unreservedly vicious and cruel, as women are to other women. You would not believe the things that other women have said to me. Things that a guy wouldn't whisper behind the back of his worst enemy, a woman will just come right up and say them straight to my face. Provided there aren't any guys around to hear her, that is. Because that's the trick of it. Women who hate women have to pretend to be all sweet and innocent, if there's a guy around. They have to protect their image. Because they know men talk, and they are terrified of developing a reputation as the sort of hateful, malignant bitches they truly are. They won't admit it, not even to themselves. But they know, deep down in their cold, shriveled hearts, that no man would ever want them if they knew what they were really like. And so they lie, constantly, to themselves even more than they do to men. They pretend that it's moral outrage they're feeling, rather than simple jealousy. And it's only when there aren't any men around to hear that they reveal who they really are.
• It still hurts. Even if they don't say anything to me outright, seeing the looks, watching them whisper to each other, not even bothering to hide what they're doing... It hurts. I remember when I was just a little girl, hiding out on the stairs of our house, hearing my mom in the living room talking with her friends about female solidarity, and how all women were sisters. It hurt like hell, learning that was all a lie. I try not to let it bother me, and I'm getting better at that, with time. It was hardest when I was younger, coming to grips with the desires I'd had for as long as I could remember, and just starting to act on them. I was twenty-two now, as of midnight two hours ago, and I've developed a bit of a thicker skin. It still isn't easy, feeling those hateful stares... but it's worth it, at least to me.