Chapter 11 Always Felt Guilty

• For a woman like me who has been attempting to maintain my calm, being in the same room with Hugo Saintclare once more is really unhealthy. Even after all these years have passed, I can still clearly recall how astonished I was when I opened my eyes that morning to see him naked on top of his own bed with our things all over the floor of his hotel room.
• And God, of course, his goddamn penis. I could never forget the size of that freaking thing not erected.
• With a heavy heart, I left Anne's Presidential Suite, but now that my shift was done, I was finally able to smile. To get my belongings before leaving, I walked to the nurse's lounge while attempting to clear my mind of the thoughts. Maybe I should finally tell Hugo about the whole situation now, as this was a sign and an opportunity.
• I shook the thought out of my head and decided that I shouldn’t do it.
• He is freaking Hugo Saintclare.
• Finally, I placed my hair down past my shoulders and tried to finger-comb it. Our hospital’s protocol is to always have our hair tied in a low bun and it has turned the ends of my hair wavier. I started putting a little amount of face powder on my stressed looking face with dark circles surrounding my eyes. Oh God, I looked like this in front of Hugo but there was something else on my face.
• My cheeks were red. Of course my cheeks would blush, it was Hugo. I don’t always meet him every day so casually talking to him. Hell, I didn't know his mom was admitted here and if I did, I shouldn’t have changed my schedule to avoid myself from actually feeling so troubled and guilty all over again.
• I avoided seeing and reading news about him because it always made me feel guiltier. I never told him because I didn’t want to and I have no courage to do it. Of all places that had to see him again after years, it had to be in this freaking hospital that I am working for. And of all people had to be admitted, it had to be his freaking mother.
• I take a deep breath and shake away the thoughts that I have in mind.
• It's just a coincidence. Coincidence. I tell myself.
• A fucking coincidence.
• Remembering how he looked a while ago with that crisp suit and well-combed hair, God I will be surely damned because he looked so good on that suit. He changed. He looked much more mature now.
• Well, he’s thirty now.
• Hugo used to rock usual rock star outfit from years back with his round neck white shirt, skintight jeans with knee-cuts and his dark brown ankle boots with shoulder-length hair. He was hot. Completely, oozingly panty gripping kind of hot.
• But now, he’s rocking a totally different look, suit, shiny black leather shoes and different hairstyle. He looked like a totally complete gentleman, I know he is, and he seemed to have gotten more mature too. But God, he’s still so freaking hot! He surely did age but he's still super handsome as hell.
• He's still dangerously hot. He's still undeniably charming. Even after seven years, you still have this kind of effect on me. Seeing him again personally after so many years, felt surreal. It feels a lot more different now that we’ve grown older.
• Older.
• Ben is getting older as well. The three of us are. I know I should tell him, but I can not. I do not know why I can not but I am not even ready.
• I saw a sudden surge of fear, tension, and anxiousness crawling through my body as a result of seeing those eyes. Knowing that I am the mother of his son, who is unknown to him, and that I didn't tell him about it made me anxiety-ridden. He'd be very furious with me. Although I am aware that what I did was the correct thing for me, I have always felt guilty about it. Defending my son and me from the prying eyes of every critic on the planet has been something that I have been protecting us from and saving us from the horrible shame and trouble.
• I know I have been hiding everything and something huge about his life but then I have this gut feeling that he won’t believe me or he won’t actually want to accept Ben.
• It was an absolutely inebriated one-night stand. This wasn't how it was meant to turn out. It was intended to be a one night thing to forget for the rest of my life. Carrying his child wasn't supposed to happen to me but then all this happened in a blink of an eye, too fast that my hands could not handle the entire situation.
• Hugo wouldn't believe it. I'm sure of it. He won’t.
• Hugo's previous expression on his face and the way he regarded the bloodstain are still etched in my memory. I still can't get the dreadful expression off of his face. But looking at him, it seems as though he could read my mind from earlier. He may have been attempting to recall something, or he may have been assessing my expression to determine whether I was telling the truth. Oh God, I am getting a headache the more I think about it.
• Because, hell shit, I will be damned if he actually did remember me.
• God knows how it basically rushed my heartbeat, but it still pains me when he says I look familiar. I had no idea how it would feel in the first place. In the back of my mind, I knew there was something going on when he stared at me, and I still can't stop thinking about it. It is quite annoying for me to always think about so many different topics.
• "Randy! Randy!" I heard a female voice calling out to me as running footsteps were growing closer. She sounded like she was scared.
• "Lettie?" I arched an eyebrow, surprised to see her in a rush.
• "Put your hair back up there's an emergency!"
• "What?! But my shift is over." I panicked right away.
• "No more buts! There's an emergency. Come on! Code zero."
• My eyes widened.
• Someone's dead?
• Despite the fact that I didn't want to follow her, she abruptly grabbed my wrist and hauled me out of the nurses' lounge. Because my son was waiting for me, I had a strong reason not to go. I detest Lettie's tendency to chatter, which is one of her flaws. She enjoys learning about the local hospital's history and must be the first to be familiar with it. In other words, she loved gossiping.
• I later came to the realization that I was too busy to do my hair again so I had left it all down. I'm back on the floor with the Presidential suites, which we discovered as we hurriedly exited the elevator.
• "What are we doing here?" I asked as I tried to catch my breath but she was still pulling me abruptly.
• "Hurry up or else we're dead." She rushed.
• "There would be someone else who would take care of it right? My shift is over and I don’t think I have more time to stay.” I said it like I was rapping.
• “We need to hurry, it's a VIP!”She claimed and sounded heavy with her tone.
• “A what?” I gaped. “I thought there's code zero? Wait, you mean a VIP just died and--"
• "We will be in code zero if I can't bring you with me." She clarified as she eyes me strictly.
• "What?" I gaped.
• "Come on!"
• My hair was completely everywhere. She opens the door right away without me noticing the second we stopped. I looked like complete shit. Even before I can say anything, she opens a door without even asking me if I agreed to this or not.
• “Let--”
• As soon as I caught sight of Hugo, who was crossing one arm over the other while standing next to his mother's bed, I tensed up. Standing between us, he seemed to be trying to watch me as his eyes fixed on the door. I gasped the second I thought that Mrs. Anne must have died. Wow, I'm here in this room again—what the hell? We were heading toward Mrs. Anne's hospital room, and I was unaware of this while we were running. God! If only I had known, I would have refused sooner!