Chapter 305

• I stand slowly, my heart aching but no longer ripping in two, a pain that is bearable and will fade in time. She watches me with her large wide eyes and says nothing, no emotion, no protest; just looks at me … emptily. The same way she always used to, yet it doesn’t feel the same way this time.
• “You’re incapable of being what I need, and I’ve spent enough of my life trying to get you to love me. That’s not a child’s job … That should’ve never been my burden. Maybe you do love me in your own way, but it’s not enough. I want my child to know love the way it’s supposed to be, and I could never inflict your sort of indifference and inability to nurture on my baby.” I move my chair back, gathering my composure. “I’m walking away, Jocelyn. I’m saying goodbye to the pain you’ve always inflicted on my heart and the way you always made me feel like everything bad that happened in my life was my fault. Jake showed me how wrong that was.” I give her a moment to do or say anything, but I already know it won’t happen. She is sitting still and straight with that icy wall up and a blank expression on her face.
• “I love you, and you’ll always be in my heart, but I don’t need or want you in my life anymore. I want this between us to end right here. So, if you have anything to say to me, then do it now.” I feel braver. My trembling hands and the aching pain inside me are a sign that I care and always cared, and I can accept that. Because I do know how to love, nurture and protect, and I’m never going to let myself be ashamed of knowing how. I am worthy of having a heart and giving a piece of it to those I love, but she doesn’t deserve my love anymore. She doesn’t deserve me in her life, and she hasn’t asked about my wedding or even congratulated me on the baby says it all. I was never her focus in life, never any part of her world where it mattered.