Chapter 304

• Right now, she wants to punish me for daring to turn the finger back on her about my childhood. My mother is narcissistic, clear to me like a flash of light as I take in her familiar pose and expression, deadpan blankness.
• “Actually, I’m here to tell you my news.” I push down the chaotic feelings threatening to override my courage. A wave of nausea washes over me, tadpole’s instincts at knowing something is wrong with me. I nod toward the chair in front of her desk, looking for permission to sit despite already having it. She frowns at me, annoyed by my ignorance of her request before, yet obliges and nods toward the chair opposite her desk with an exasperated look. I scold myself for my childish questioning to sit; PA Emma would’ve never sought her permission. An adult should be able to sit without needing consent, but she has a way of making me feel like a child all over again.
• “Please.” She sits back, removing her glasses and laying her palms on the table across one another. I cannot help but watch her stiff upright posture, careful mannerisms, and sigh. Jake is right, I used to behave exactly like her, but I didn’t see it; every movement, carefully placed, always aware of her grace and gestures, cool and coldly poised. I look down at my hands, casually laid in my lap, and my sagging posture and smile. I’m sitting how Jake would sit, loose and relaxed, with no thought to how I’m perceived, and I can’t help but feel his warmth run across me as though he’s here with me, encouraging me even in his absence.