Chapter 5 Stupid

• I ignore their calls and messages for a while and silently cry on a park bench. Some boys from the party make their way in the park.
• “Isn’t she the one who was making out with James?” Someone asks, loud enough for me to hear.
• “Yea… but Norris pulled her away. Shame! It was a nice show going on...”
• "I wonder if she would have let James fuck her in front of everyone if Norris hadn't interrupted." Another guy says and I feel I will melt with shame.
• As that group of boys start walking towards me, I text Riley to meet me near the car. I get up and walk towards the parking lot, trying to compose myself and get away from the creeps.
• “I could show you a good time. Give me a chance!” a boy suggests, trying to pace with me as I walk faster.
• “What about us?” someone asks him.
• “uhmm! We all could run a train if she agrees.”
• "Just grab her! What's the point of asking? I am sure she will be wet!"
• My heartbeat turns frantic and I almost rush my last few steps so I won't be blinded by the cover of bushes, dividing the park from the parking lot.
• I feel a little better as I see West, Riley, and Norris standing and the boys leave me alone as they notice I am not alone anymore. Norris takes off as soon as he sees me. Riley hugs me and asks, “Where were you? Norris said you weren’t being yourself..”
• “I am not in the mood, Riley. Maybe tomorrow...” I tell her. As I sit in the front seat, I control my urge to puke. The car reeks of sweat and sex. I wish I hadn’t gone mad at Norris for no reason. Then I could have avoided sitting in this car or near both of them. West is livid. I can see it on his face. I wonder if Norris told him anything.
• “Of all the things in the world, Natalie, I never expected this from you.” He says, shaking his head. I am not even sure what he is talking about? Me trying to sleep with someone while drunk or me wandering off in the park while drunk and alone.
• But I want to tell him. Of all the things in the world, I never expected this from you either West. You sleeping with my friend. At the same time, I don’t want to hurt Riley. I spat so much venom at Norris already, So I keep my mouth shut.
• “Drop her first. I need to talk to you,” I tell West as I see him taking the route to my house. There is heavy silence in the car. But he follows.
• “I called you last night, but you didn’t answer,” He says after dropping Riley.
• I stay quiet.
• “You know how difficult you can be sometimes. Last time when I missed your call, you gave me hell.”
• I don’t say how he has been avoiding me for weeks. It doesn’t matter anymore.
• “and tonight... Do you have any fucking idea what could have happened? Norris saved you and you still gave him a hard time. You can be a real bitch sometimes. You know that!”
• I cannot stay quiet anymore. “You mean when you ignored me for the whole summer and I confronted you? And YOU… It was you who yelled at me!” I ignore his point about Norris. I won’t let him linger on my mistakes tonight.
• “GOD!! Don’t tell me you are still stuck on that!” He shakes his head. “You know what! Let’s give us a break for a week or two. We can talk again once you can think clearly.”
• Here it is again. A silent treatment ultimatum. He drives me home in silence. Tension is thick between us. But I have had enough. This needs to be over. Tonight. I wait until he pulls over in front of my house.
• “So I see you like her?” I finally ask.
• “What?”
• “I saw you two in the back seat. I hope you had fun.”
• He doesn’t say anything. I try to read his expression. Is he even ashamed? After all this time, we were together. We shared so much. How could he just start sleeping with someone else? That too Riley? I wonder if he plans to play games with her, too. Like he did with me.
• “So you two gonna keep things hidden or gonna make things public?” I ask him, trying to keep the hurt in my voice hidden.
• He sighs, “I like her Nat. I have always liked her. I have been trying to tell you about it. But you keep mentioning that God-Damn fight!” He ignores my question. But reality hits me hard. I still want him and aching that he chose her.
• Tears burn my eyes. I knew this would happen. But it’s still hard to believe that it’s happening to me at this very moment. I was stupid to expect we could fix things tonight. He moved on a long time ago and I didn’t even know.
• I somehow manage to ask without my voice cracking, “Then what the hell are we West?”
• West turns his head in confusion and asks, “What do you mean?” My heart cracks a little more. “We never were in a relationship, Nat. Wasn’t it clear?”
• My cheeks burn with embarrassment, and I swallow hard. So all this time I was living an illusion? Yes, it wasn’t official. But no, it wasn’t clear. Why would he tell me, ‘we are better than that?’ when we saw other couples.
• I get out of the car and rush towards my house. I don’t want him to see me cry. I cried enough over him the last few weeks. I cried enough in the park tonight.
• I knew.
• I knew something was wrong. I kept giving myself false hopes.
• I was stupid. So fucking stupid.
• As I change my clothes, my head rushes with so many thoughts at once. ‘We are better than that.’ Because we ain’t in a relationship? Is this he wanted to tell me? What are we?
• Best friends with benefits?
• As my phone rings with his call. I cannot help but break into a sob. I am good enough to share all his secrets. Good enough to sleep with him but not good enough for a relationship. Not good enough for others to know. He had told me we would tell others about us after the summer break. Why would he say that if we weren’t in a relationship? Was he just gaslighting me all this time?
• He calls me several times, but I lay next to my phone and cry myself to sleep. I don’t want to be manipulated anymore. I won’t talk to him.