Chapter 7

• The following fortnight was filled with work and finalizing my application. The morning sickness seemed like an all-day sickness sometimes, and I quickly realized that this child had a strong aversion to dairy products. It felt strange realizing that the things I used to like to eat didn't matter anymore. As much as I wanted to hide and pretend that this wasn't happening, my body was changing quickly, and the tiny person inside my belly would not be ignored. The only thing I could do was take one day at a time, and I invested most of my time in researching more about giving up my baby for adoption.
• Today was one of the slower days at work, and I was counting down the minutes until my shift was over. I was meeting Tammie for lunch first; then, we were going for my first ultrasound appointment later. As soon as my alarm went off, I quickly got ready to leave. I was so rushed that I almost bumped into a lady at a corner, pushing her baby in a stroller.
• "Oh, I'm so sorry," I apologized profusely. "I wasn't looking where I was going."
• "It's alright," she said as the baby smiled and revealed four tiny teeth. "Look at her. She's just having the time of her life." The woman added, looking at the baby with pure adoration.
• It was such a simple thing, but how she looked at that baby was just so beautiful. I felt tears coming on, yet another thing that my body had started to do without my consent since becoming pregnant.
• "Are you alright?" The woman asked with a concerned look.
• I nodded and excused myself before walking away as fast as possible. When I finally got to Tammie, I threw myself into her arms, and she held me for about a minute without question.
• "Sorry, pregnancy hormones," I said when I finally pulled away.
• Tammie didn't smile at my attempt to lighten the mood. "Are you okay?"
• I nodded and wiped my face. Tammie took my bag, and we sat down at our table. Luckily, we were seated outside, so the fresh air quickly helped me return to normal.
• "You look like you are losing weight," Tammie frowned. "Isn't it supposed to be the opposite? You are taking care of yourself, aren't you?"
• "I'm fine, just having a little bit of trouble with morning sickness, but I think I'm getting the hang of it."
• "Are you getting the hang of the spontaneous tear fests as well?"
• I gestured to my face and smiled. "Don't I look pretty adjusted to you?"
• Tammie laughed and patted my hand. "I've never seen you look better."
• We ordered and enjoyed our lunch, but my mind was still on the woman and her baby. This sadness was welling inside of me as I thought I wouldn't get to have that with my child. Tammie asked me what was wrong, but I couldn't explain it to her when I didn't understand it myself.
• Two hours later, we were at the local maternity clinic, my stomach bared and ready to see the baby for the first time. The doctor was amazing, explaining every step of the process and even recommending downloading an application on my phone to track the baby's size. The baby was currently the size of a kidney bean. I thought of how amazing it was that such a tiny thing would grow like the baby I had met earlier and then become a toddler, a teenager, and eventually an adult with their own opinions. As I saw my little bean on screen for the first time, it hit me like a tidal wave.
• A strange feeling washed over me as I imagined another woman pushing my child in a stroller, showing them the city. I thought of the first steps, the first tooth, and the first everything. The baby was a faceless person to me, just a little kidney bean, but it would be someone with a whole personality someday. Would it have my red hair or Michael's brown hair? I suddenly felt protective of my unborn child, and the thought of being separated from it made me feel hollow and cold. All the things I would never get to experience suddenly trumped my fear of being a single parent, and I felt the waterworks coming.
• "I'm sorry," I sobbed, wiping my face.
• The doctor smiled. "Don't worry. The first time is always the most emotional. Almost everyone cries; even the fathers cry too."
• I looked at Tammie, and she squeezed my hand in support. The doctor finished the ultrasound, gave us a printed copy, and then left us for a moment to update my file.
• "I don't think I want to give my baby away," I blurted, earning a surprised look from Tammie.
• "Are you sure?"
• I nodded. "For the first time, it all became so clear to me. This is my baby, Tammie. They are a part of me that I'm unwilling to part with. And I know it's not all rose petals and honey, but I can't let my child grow up somewhere in the world without me."
• "Jade –"
• "I know it will be hard, trust me, I know. But can you imagine every child I bump into years from now? If they are the right age, I'll wonder if that's my baby. And I don't want to wonder or regret anything. I want to keep my child."
• Tammie was quiet for a long time, and I began to worry that she thought I was insane. I probably was a little crazy, as I was twenty-two and thinking of becoming a mother. But I was already a mother in some ways, having taken care of my little sister since she was thirteen. I was no stranger to hard work and knew I would have to work extra hard to support a child.
• "No matter what, remember? I got your back, always. Call me dependable Auntie Tammie."
• I laughed and squeezed her hand. "Thank you, Tamz. I'll need all the free babysitting I can get."
• She smiled. "Well, as long as you are happy to pick up your baby with a dirty diaper, I am not going anywhere near that."
• I laughed again and wiped my eyes. "Got it. I'll have him potty trained by the time he's two months old."
• "Or her," she pointed out.
• "Or her," I agreed.
• Only time would tell if the little one inside me would turn out to be a little girl who took after me. Or a little boy who would take af
• ter a father he would never know.