Chapter 4

• The minute I showed at her doorstep, Char instantly pulled me into a hug. "Damn," she breathed against my hair. "Thought you wouldn't show up."
• "And miss out on all the fun we're going to have at the club? Never."
• She drew back to regard me, then began to smile but stopped suddenly and slowly leaned into my face, a crease forming on her forehead. "Hey, were you--"
• I reeled back when she began reaching for my face. Then I made a show of cleaning a smudge in my eye. "I... um, wanted to try out a new makeup tutorial I'd seen on YouTube." A shaky laugh. "It backfired."
• "Oh." She snorted a laugh. "I learnt my lesson the last time I attempted something called 'mermaid hair'." Her eyes grew distant as if relieving the memory. "Never again," she concluded with a shudder, looking at me. She stepped away from the door and waved me in.
• When we'd finished dressing her up, she grabbed her purse and we headed outside. The air was unusually cold, the stars above bright and countless. They winked down at us as we drew level with Char's blue car.
• With a wide smile, she threw the keys at me. I caught it mid air. To my questioning look she said, "I know you won't be drinking much tonight--I plan on getting stoned! So I think it's best you drive us both now, since you'd be doing it again by the end of the night!"
• Boy was she already excited. I giggled at her pumped state. Looking my way, she giggled back, and soon we were laughing at nothing in particular. When we quieted down, I realized something. This was the most we'd ever bonded.
• Like some unspoken rule, school and everything else related to it governed our relationship. Anything outside of going to school together in the mornings, comparing assignments, notes-borrowing and the likes; were unfamiliar grounds. But then came Matt and his cheating.
• Opening the door to the driver's seat, I got in. Char did the same on her end, slamming the door shut and going on to peer into a small mirror.
• Surprisingly, she'd insisted I dye her hair its original colour, blonde. Looking in her direction, I saw the blue sequin dress she'd put on. It was long-sleeved and effectively hid her arms, her tattoos.
• I wondered if a part of her wanted to erase the version of herself she thought made Matt cheat on her. If he could, why wouldn't another? My heart clenched.
• Putting my seatbelt, I turned the ignition. The engine revved up instantly, purring beneath me. I drove out of the garage and down the darkening driveway.
• Char reached forward and turned on the radio. A song from a rock band began playing and she started to mumble along to the loud music. As we covered up more distance to the club, the tempo of her voice increased and soon she was singing at the top of her lungs. A smile stretched my lips.
• Minutes later we slowed into a parking spot in the vast lawn. Across, a large building mounted the space, and from it the bass undertones of music seeped through.
• The lights from the building illuminated the surrounding space and we stepped down to see numerous cars parked. Char grabbed my hand and we started to head down to the building.
• My leg connected with an object. I looked down to see it was a bottle. More were strewn across the manicured grass, I noticed, together with a few squashed solo cups. Drunken giggles rang out in dark corners, followed by wet, kissing noises that had a blush warming my cheeks.
• Amidst the riot of scents around, I caught a whiff of freshly cut grass, and I relaxed.
• Nature. It had an odd way of always making me feel at ease. Sometimes I fancied I had some sort of special connection to it, but that was just wishful thinking. Stupid thinking, my mum had told me when I was nine, then went on to limit the time I spent at the green house due to my condition.
• I always returned when she wasn't around.
• It was bad for my illness, I knew. But I always made up for it by religiously taking my medications.
• The bouncers out front let us into the club. Here the music was louder, ear-numbing. I could barely hear myself think. Strobe lights flashed everywhere, highlighting the mass of sweaty bodies grinding to the upbeat music.
• Char strained up to meet my rather tall 5'8 height. Her eyes swam with excitement as she yelled over the music: "Bar. First!"
• I nodded, starting to feel overwhelmed. My eyes mapped the massive space and zeroed on the bar across the room. We moved. Bodies bumped against me, leaving whiffs of sweat, stale breaths and musky cologne flitting into my nose.
• The boy manning the bar smiled at us as we approached. I started to smile back but stiffened when twin fangs peeked out from beneath his lips. "What would you like?" he asked, raking back his mop of sandy blond hair.
• Char placed an order and I requested for one glass of dry martini.
• "Coming right up," he said with a bright smile, and I regarded him with a mixture of apprehension and confusion.
• Char twitched beside me. I turned to see her smiling. "It's odd, isn't it?" she yelled.
• "What?" I yelled back, already having an idea what she wanted to say.
• She subtly nodded in the direction of the tall vamp. "Seeing one of them act so nice. So... Normal."
• Pursing my lips, I nodded. There was nothing remotely 'normal' about them.
• With loud music bombarding my ears, I sat on the stool beside Char. A nice-looking man came and occupied the seat a few feet away from me. While he waited his order, he stole side-long glances at me. I wondered what he saw.
• As a friend from my past had once described: I was thin to the point of malnutrition (in my opinion, that was so many years ago. I had added some flesh), had long limbs reminiscent of a gazelle (in other words, I was all sharp joints and ever awkward), and possessed the face of a pubescent. I didn't know how that was even possible given I was 22. But sometimes I did feel like one... a child.
• Afraid and curious of the world at the same time, vulnerable... Gullible. His voice came back like a nightmare, slow and terrifying, gaining intensity with each passing second; 'sensitive, Gullible. WEAK.'
• Look at me, Lennie! You're weak, you hear me!? A f*cking t--
• My hands slammed down on the table, causing Char to jump. Her wide eyes stared back at me.
• Heart pounding, I jerkily sprang to my feet. "I-I need to use the bathroom."
• Without waiting for a reply, I spun around and disappeared into the crowd, heading God knows where.
• In my ears, my heart beat louder than the music, faster. Slight shivers had started to work their way through me, causing my fingers to tremble. An elbow shoved at me but I merely continued onward, the adrenaline rushing through me numbing the pain.
• When I winded into an empty hallway, I allowed myself breathe.
• My chest felt heavy as I went over to a spot in the dark passageway and sank down, leaning back against the wall.
• I trembled, inhaled a breath. Then my face heated and I pressed my hands against my cheeks as a tear trickled down my face. Mouth hanging open, I gasped in another breath, the air trembling in my throat.
• My stomach clenched hard and I heaved out more sobs, the tears scalding my face. God. This had to stop. I wanted it all to end. I didn't want to be haunted anymore, by my past, by my mistakes, by his voice, by...everything.
• I wanted it all to end. I wanted my mum back. I wanted her to love me again, to tuck my hair behind my ear and... and look at me like I was her freaking child, like I --
• My nose stung and I wiped at it with the hem of my gown, suddenly reminded of a time I was little...
• I was eight and it was Christmas.
• Bring your parents to school day had happened a week earlier and beside every child's seat, they had kept two more seats for their parents. On that day, I'd looked around me and had never been more aware of the absence of my father than when I saw the chairs beside the other children were completely occupied.
• On Christmas eve I asked Santa for my father.
• Believe it or not, the next morning there was a giant of a man under our Christmas tree.
• Beyond mad with excitement, I'd gone to fetch my mother.
• We came down to an empty living room.
• Later that evening, the local news had reported, with disbelief and exasperation, that a hobo was going around stealing Christmas presents--and if we saw him, we should do well to bring it to the notice of the police.
• That night, when all was quiet, my stockinged feet with the reindeer prints I'd loved so much had padded down the stairs to the living room, to the Christmas tree.
• Like a fool, I whispered with my heart in my throat, "Dad... I know it's you. You can come out now."
• I was pathetic.
• A sudden crash in the hallway had me whipping around.