Chapter 105

• Mike is a good friend of mine both at school and at church. He’s someone I’ve always looked up to, he is smart, kind, brave, and everyone likes him. He always does the right thing and is strong in his Christian beliefs. He has a lot of friends and a small group of us often spend time together because we go to the same school and church.
• There’s Mike, James, Nicole, Katie and me. We are all 17 and about to enter our last year of school in London. James has been friends with Mike since forever. They both play football together and James is very sporty (unlike me!). He’s very shy and such a goodie-two-shoes - never in trouble. He’d probably get teased for being so timid if he wasn’t also so athletic and sporty. Nicole is mike’s girlfriend and they’ve been dating for about 2 years. For religious reasons they’ve agreed to not sleep together until they are married, which they plan on doing once they leave school. They are so sweet together and it’s obvious how much they adore each other. Nicole is incredibly smart and attractive - blonde, slim, very fit. Just perfect really. Like Mike. I have to admit I am often jealous! Katie has been friends with Nicole since forever too. Katie is not exactly the smartest cookie, she often doesn’t get jokes or does dumb things, but we still love her for it. She also gets away with it because she is very good looking, with long flowing brown hair, sky blue eyes and an athletic figure. I’ve always wondered if her and James would get together but it’s never quite happened because I think secretly he’s always liked Nicole, but he’s never admitted it and would be too loyal to Mike to ever do so. Both James and Katie are virgins too, sticking to their Christian beliefs to wait until marriage.
• As for me, well I often feel like the runt of the group. I’m not sporty, or athletic, or particularly funny. I don’t think people like me in the same way as the others, I often feel like I am there to make up the numbers. I’ve never had a girlfriend and never know how to behave around girls. I’ve been addicted to watching porn for years but have no idea what sex is actually like, though I’m desperate to find out. I often feel such shame from my porn addiction - we are taught at church that it’s wrong but I can’t help it and as time passes I get more and more curious about darker or taboo themes like reluctance, rape, blackmail and force. I can’t tell anyone about it and deep down I feel like there’s a part of me that is just pure evil and I hate it.