Chapter 50 Bear –Plagued Mind

• I’m amazed that I managed to fall asleep. Although I don’t sleep well, I keep waking. The need is there, and all I want to do is give in to it, but then I see Emmi asleep next to me and fight it off. I don’t want to disappoint her, and I know if I allow this to spiral out of control, I will.
• I saw her disappointment when I was searching for drugs. I needed them to wipe out the image of Adelia, to wipe out the feeling of disappointing everyone from being so weak. They were all quiet, and I know why. They’re waiting for me to beg for the drugs, to do anything to get them, and while part of me wants to, I don’t want to be a burden, and becoming that person again makes me one.
• I climb out of bed and walk to the gym. Anything to take my mind off it now as all I want is to not see her face, not see Adelia. I hit the bag, unaware of how long is passing by, just knowing I need to feel something. Anything right now would be good. I want to be strong, but being strong isn’t easy. Part of me wants to hold Emmi and say sorry for leaving her. Another part of me wants to hold her and apologise for not having control, to hold her and say how glad I am she is alive. But then part of me wants to scream, shout at her, and punish her for telling her mum the things that will destroy us, for leaving this fucking place knowing she wasn’t allowed to, which only put her at more risk.