Chapter 1

• I watched as they threw the first shovel of dirt on the box that confined my love. ’Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry.’ The continuous chanting in my head never stopped.
• It didn't stop the tears that stung my eyes either, betraying every word that I have been saying to myself since this horrific day started.
• It also didn't help that my wolf hasn't stopped whimpering since I got here, after being dormant for days since Ella died.
• I can't blame him for hurting. He felt the mate bond stronger than me, but I needed him these past two weeks. He was the only strength I have...or had.
• Someone's hand on my shoulder brought me out of my thoughts and I turned around to see my little sister looking at me with sorrow filled eyes.
• "Don't cry Luka. It'll be okay soon I promise."
• ‘If only I could believe those words’, I thought, but offered her a weak smile nonetheless.
• I continued to stare as I reminisced on the times we had together. We only met three years ago on my eighteenth births, when I accompanied my dad to an Alpha meeting where I would officially take over the pack.
• That's when I saw her. I was attracted to her even before I learnt that we were mates.
• I spent the rest of the night stealing glances at her, until I mustered up the courage to go to her. I can still remember her scent when I got close. It was intoxicating, and her smile when she saw me pushed me over the edge. That's when I knew that I was gonna be whipped. And whipped I was.
• "Luka". A voice I knew too well snapped me out of my thoughts.
• I realized that everyone had left and it was just me, Caleb and my love who was now completely covered and sealed in the deserted pack cemetery.
• I didn't make a move to leave; I just wanted to be in her presence a little longer before I said goodbye.
• "Come on man, you must be tired", Caleb whispered as he took shaky steps towards me. I had to admit, I'm pretty grateful for his support these past weeks.
• We were never close growing up. In fact, we hated each other. That was odd for two boys living in the same house, who were destined to work side by side as Alpha and Beta.
• When I took over as Alpha, he automatically became my Beta so we were forced to get along. Over the years we learnt to tolerate each other and became somewhat friends. But when Ella died two weeks ago, he was there for me more than everyone else.
• At first I assumed it was because he is my Beta and nobody else was brave enough to be around me when I'm snappy and irritated, but then I realized that he genuinely wanted to be there for me, as a friend. I have to say, we've gotten a lot closer since.
• I finally turned around to see him staring at me with sadness. I gave him a strained smile and took slow steps towards the exit, with Caleb on my trail.
• I got in the car, feeling like the world was on my chest. Caleb joined me shortly after and we sat in comfortable silence until he finally started the car.
• "Hey you okay man?", he asked as he drove off. I sighed, keeping my eyes out the window.
• "Nah man. But I will be" I answered, knowing he was the only one who wouldn't push it, so I could be honest with him. "I just need some time". He nodded in understanding but didn't say anything.
• 'Some time' may be two months, may be ten years or it may be never. All I know now was that I have to try and live without her. Maybe I can or maybe I can't.
• My mind was all over the place as we pulled into the pack house driveway. But all I could really think about is how I didn't even say goodbye.
• ***
• Luka's pov
• One year later
• "Luka dude get your ass up!"
• I groaned in response as Caleb tried to get me out of bed for the umpteenth time today.
• I grabbed a pillow and chucked it in his direction, successfully hitting him square in the face. A small smile took over my lips as I saw him huff in annoyance.
• "Come on man. I'm taking you out of town to have some fun. You need it" He complained, and I knew damn well that he'd be back if I didn't oblige.
• Sighing, I gave into his plea and reluctantly got out of bed. He gave me a victorious smile and I had to resist the urge to roll my eyes at his childish behaviour.
• Over the past year, he has really been there for me. He kept me out of my darkest places as much as he could and I couldn't help but be grateful. However, that didn't stop the darkness when he was gone though.
• It has been hard, harder than I thought it would be. Every time I was in me and Ella's room, I would feel emptier than usual. Her scent was everywhere and I couldn't stand it. I moved out of our room only three weeks after her funeral. It became too hard for me to even sleep and that affected everything.
• My mom and little sister, Emma, tried to get me to move on way too quickly. I snapped at them one day and they have been staying away since then, only checking in with me to see if I'm still alive, I assume.
• I was never the man that acted tough and emotionless. We all have feelings and nobody ever judged me for being sad. They became distant though, they wanted the old me back too fast and I just couldn't do that for them yet.
• I don't even think I could do it for myself, ever.
• My dad only sends Caleb to do his dirty work for him since he's the only one who can get through to me in some sense. That was because he understood and didn't push me to do things I didn't want to do. He was here to help me heal, not force me to act like nothing happened and be 'their Luka' again.
• Maybe I was being selfish, but the break of a mate bond does a lot to you.
• I made my way out to the living room after throwing on a white tee shirt and some jeans, not even bothering to fix my messy dark hair.
• "Hey bro! You got out of bed today. You look.... well." I scoffed at my smaller brother's 'bluntness' as I made my way over to him to give him a bro hug.
• "Yea your Beta dragged me out of bed. Probably worried I would wallow in my own sorrow or something. You know, especially today" He nodded, understanding what I meant, but said nothing.
• We sat in silence as he looked over some documents in his hands, I assumed it had to do with pack business.
• Frowning a little, I got up and made my way to the kitchen to get some juice before Caleb got back. I actually missed being Alpha. It tears me apart every time someone calls me Luka instead of Alpha. It's not that I'm power hungry or anything, but it actually physically hurts to give away your birthright. But I had to do it, for the pack.
• After coming to terms with the fact that she's gone, it really took a toll on not just me, but my wolf. We were restless and I couldn't function right. I still can't.
• My pack was getting afraid of me, and it hurt like hell. It hurt that I was failing my pack. That pain plus the pain of a broken mate bond was literally torture.
• So I sat down with my dad and brother one day and told them that I wanted to resign as Alpha. My dad wouldn't have it though, so he said I would simply take a break until I'm 'fit to resume my duties', like that would ever happen. I wasn't planning on sticking around for it either...
• Walking out of the kitchen feeling somewhat refreshed, I slowly made my way back to the living room when I heard whispers from Ty and Caleb. I could hear every word though. Didn't they remember that I have werewolf hearing?
• "He really needs it man. I just hope it will help get his mind off Risella" I heard Caleb whisper to my brother, while my heart broke a little, or that's what it feels like given that my heart was no longer there.
• It has been so long since I've heard her name, nobody ever mentions her anymore.
• "Thanks bro. You know, for helping Luka when he needs it. Sometimes I feel like he's gone off the edge" Ty whispered back with something that sounded like a sigh.
• I just scoffed. He didn't even know how ironic that statement was.
• I made my presence known by clearing my throat as I leaned against the doorway, and they looked kind of taken back, but chose not to say anything.
• Caleb and I made our way into town, the human territory as I called it. He refused to tell me where we were going but I gotta make the best of it, given that I won't enjoy anything again.
• We pulled up at something that looked like a.... carnival? You've got to be kidding me.
• "Dude are you five!" I exclaimed, shaking my head a little at his goofy grin.
• "Nah but It'll be fun! Come on you use to love the carnival when we were kids even though you acted like you hated it because we were forced to go together"
• I laughed a little at the memories. I really did like the carnival. And even though Caleb doesn't know this, it's where I brought Ella on our first 'date', as she put it.
• We're wolves but she always liked to do things in a human way. I never complained though.
• This will seem like I'm with her one last time.
• ***
• The day went by quite quickly and I had to say, I actually had fun. I knew it would be hard to say goodbye to everyone, so I didn't. I was never good at goodbyes.
• Caleb and I were walking towards the car with our faces painted like seven year olds and cotton candy in our hands. I'll forever remember him for this. He's probably going to hate me tomorrow, so I held on the moments today.
• "So we can go back now or we can go wherever you wanna go. The night is still young" He said, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively with his goofy grin. I simply smiled and shook my head.
• "Actually I'm going for a run in the woods near the river. My wolf is a little antsy" I lied right to his face. He didn't look convinced but nodded in some understanding.
• "Well I guess I'll see you later then" He said, more sounding like a question than a statement.
• "Ugh.. Yea I will see you later Caleb" I felt my chest clench a little at my lie.
• This guy has had my back and now I felt like I was betraying him, putting all his efforts to waste. Call me weak, but I just can't stay here. I had to leave.
• "Oh and Caleb." I whispered as he turned around before heading into his car. " Um, thanks for everything, man. I couldn't have made it so far without you. And I ah- I love you bro"
• I scratched the back of my neck awkwardly as he looked at me slightly taken aback but mostly worried. I took that as a sign to leave before he questioned me, so I swiftly made my way toward the woods.
• "Uh I-uh- I love you too bro!" I heard him shout back before I took the turn. I felt slightly at peace as I made my way towards the clearing.
• It looked the same as the last time I was here and I had to resist the urge to run away after all the memories kept rushing back. I made my way over to the edge of the cliff and sat down with my legs hanging off.
• I looked at the empty spot beside me, the place she sat the last time I saw her. I smiled a little, feeling like she was there with me.
• "You know I miss you a lot Ella. Everyday it gets harder when you're not here. I feel the emptiness consuming me day after day and I try Ella, I try so hard to find peace again, and to be the Alpha, son, brother and friend for everyone again but I can't babe. I just can't pretend anymore" I was fully sobbing in that moment, but I didn't care.
• "You know, Caleb has been helping me. He's kinda the reason I held out so long. And I know I've failed you but I want you to forgive me. Forgive me for not looking hard enough, forgive me for not being strong enough right now and carrying your legacy with pride, forgive me for being weak" My voice cracked at the end as I tried to hold back another whimper from my wolf, but it was harder than I thought it would be.
• " I love you so much Ella. And I hope I'll see you again when I join you, so please don't reject me. I gave up on this life, but I never gave up on us"
• Call me delusional but she's my one true mate. I won't be happy again without her. Ever.
• With a shaky breath, I got up and looked to the sky. The moon was shining in all of its glory, probably getting ready to welcome me as I leave this life.
• Looking down, I saw the water splashing against the rocks as if calling me to join it. I closed my eyes, welcoming the feeling of being alive one last time.
• Moving a little closer, I looked down one last time, getting ready to take my fall... I knew there was no turning back.
• "Well would you look at that... Fancy seeing someone here in MY spot"