Chapter 5

• I stare at her as my mind begins to run a million miles per minute. Not the first time I’ve heard this. I thought of this concept years ago myself.
• “I mean, not that anyone can realistically afford to do it.” She shrugs. “But wouldn’t that be something?”
• “It would . . .” I pay her, and deep in thought, I walk around the corner to the taxi stand. There’s one waiting, and I get into the back seat.
• “Where to?” the driver happily asks.
• I smile. See . . . I can catch a cab by myself. In fact, I’m sure I could do anything that I set my mind to. I’d show those fuckers what I’m really made of.
• But no money?
• Ugh . . . that’s tough.
• I lie on my back and stare at the ceiling of my darkened bedroom.
• I have this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that won’t leave me alone.
• Ever since the idea of a do-over came to me, I can’t stop thinking about it.
• But do I really need to become invisible so that I can be seen?
• Am I overreacting?
• I don’t want to fall into the trap of money dictating my life, if I haven’t already.
• I hate how my brothers see me. I hate how Carly thinks I’m coal. The worst thing is, I know that she’s right. As I am right now, I’m 100 percent coal.
• I don’t even know how to find substance, and I hate the thought of it.
• I’m better than this. I know I am.
• There is more to me than my surname . . . but how do I find what it is?
• If I lived a year without money, how would it feel?
• I imagine the possibilities and the risks and the feeling of pride I would have at the end, knowing I’d done it.
• I haven’t been out this week; for the first time ever the thought of socializing isn’t something I can stomach.
• I don’t want to be out there . . . I want to disappear.
• Monday morning
• After the longest sexless week in history, I’ve come to a decision. I step out of the elevator with purpose. “Good morning, girls.” I walk past them.
• “Good morning, Christopher.”
• I walk down the corridor and into Elliot’s office. Jameson and Tristan are leaving for New York tonight, and I know that I need to do this now, while we are all together.
• “Can I speak to you for a minute in my office?” I ask.
• Elliot looks up from his computer and frowns. “What about?”
• “Just get Jay and Tris and come down and see me.”
• “Okay.”
• I walk down to my office and turn my computer on. I have a lot to do.
• “What’s up?” Jameson asks. He walks into my office and flops onto the couch.
• Elliot and Tristan follow. “What’s going on?”
• “I’m taking a year off Miles Media,” I announce.
• “What?” Jameson frowns. “What for?”
• “I’m going off the grid.”
• “How?”
• “I’m going backpacking.”
• “You’ve got to be joking.”
• “Nope.” I sit down at my desk.
• “For how long?”
• “Twelve months.”
• Elliot screws up his face. “Fuck off. There is no way in hell you would do that. You nearly had me there. What do you really want?”
• “I’m deadly serious.”
• “You won’t last one hour backpacking, let alone twelve months.” Tristan huffs. “You’re more precious than the rest of us put together.”
• Determination fills me. “I’m not useless, you know?”
• “If this is about us teasing you last week, we were only joking.”
• “This isn’t about you. It’s about me.”
• “Being on a death wish?” Jameson replies dryly.
• “What you said got me to thinking, if I don’t change the way I am . . .” I cut myself off, unwilling to say it out loud.
• “What?”
• “I’ve had this idea in the back of my mind for years. I know that if I don’t go now, I’m going to be too old.”
• “You’re already too fucking old,” Jameson snaps. “I never saw a thirty-one-year-old backpacker.”
• “Because you know so many.” I widen my eyes.
• “Why would you want to do this?”
• “Because I need to. I need to get my shit together. I’ve always said I was going to do it, and I think now is the right time.”
• Elliot is pacing. “I mean, I guess . . . I could rearrange the staff . . . you could work in our offices abroad.”
• “No, no contacts. I want to find my own way and earn my keep. I’m only taking two thousand dollars. I estimate that will last me a month if I’m roughing it?”
• Jameson bursts out laughing. “You . . . with no money?”
• “You kill me.” Tristan laughs. “You spend more money than that in a day.”
• “What job are you going to do?” Elliot stammers. His eyes are wide as he waits for my answer. I can almost see his anxiety rising.
• “Well.” I shrug casually as if this isn’t the scariest thing I have ever done. “I don’t know yet. Something will turn up. I’ll work it out as I go.”
• “No,” Elliot snaps. “No way in hell. You need a plan. Mileses don’t work it out as we go. You’ll turn up dead somewhere. I’m not having you out there alone in the world. There are some bad fuckers out there.”
• “You don’t have a choice.”
• “This is stupid,” Jameson warns. “And not to mention dangerous.”
• “I’ve thought long and hard about this all week, and I know that it’s something that I have to do. If I back out now, I know I’m going to regret it.” I shrug. “I mean . . . how bad can it be?”
• “Bad,” Elliot snaps. “Real bad. Coming-home-in-a-body-bag bad.”